fuck, i wish i had proper wrestling boots now.

[V]

i'd just like to say out of the gate that... i'm putting this here as opposed to anywhere else because it's a snug little group, homey, warm, and i'm not anxious about anyone here seeing it, and i don't much have to worry about some people seeing it here that would see it elsewhere.

i'm not an easy person to scare.  those of you who know my line/s of work would know that.  and i know i have some worth.  i know i can talk with the best of 'em, and if it comes down to having to solve things in the other way i know how to fight.  i know i'm not fragile, and i also know that i'm not a bad-looking person, though anything appearancewise past that is entirely subjective depending on the person. 

you could say, perhaps, that it's because my life's been so very up and down in extremes since i was very small, so really i not only hold no fear of my life changing on me in abrupt, unforseeable ways... but i expect it to. 

you could say it's because i've done enough stuff to know that having skill in something is a thing you develop, not just a thing you possess and didn't know you did until you tried.  i've learned to do things that, ten years ago, if you'd asked my friends, they'd have told you straight up i could never do no matter how much they loved me.  to pull up a quote by a philosophist whose ideas, at least, i often agree with-- "there are lots of things a warrior can do at a certain time which he couldn't do years before.  those things themselves did not change; what changed was his idea of himself."  i know if i apply myself long enough and patiently enough to a subject, eventually, it'll stick.

guess what?  i'm scared now.

i was invited to go with a group of wrestlers down to a clinic in San Antonio for River City Wrestling recently.  i knew i'm not really in shape to capitalize on a clinic like i might and like probably most of the others at the clinic will.  i was pretty much okay with this.  when it comes to wrestling, i already know that i've got a lot i could stand to learn, and i'm willing to put in the time and effort to do that if there are trainers involved patient enough to let me work through it.  i don't have time to learn much in between now and then, and i'm rusty as all hell, but i figure-- might as well kick off the comeback with what's designed to be a dense, packed, advanced learning session.  and hey-- big trip!  and hey-- i've been wanting to meet Rudy Boy Gonzales in person for a while now!  and i was told the person holding the seminar was Funaki, and hey, he was pretty cool, i've been on shows with bigger names and heard of clinics i'd have been more nervous for, but nah, i think i can go to a clinic with Funaki and take something away from it.  it'll be worth it.  i'd have rather gone to Terry Taylor's clinic next month, except he's a TNA talent scout and i'd be a sad, conflicted puppy on the fluke outside chance that i did hear something from TNA afterwards.  TNA fueled the dream for quite a long time, was something i loved when i signed up for wrestling school, was a goal when their Knockouts division was plumper up until it got clear that even though their womens' roster contains a couple of my dream matches, it wouldn't be worth it because of all the rest of the people they hire.

then i went and looked at the clinic page with Funaki and remembered... oh yeah... Funaki's a WWE talent scout.

oh, i'm going.  i can't not go.  but all the same... my brain won't stop chewing on this now.  it's unnerving.  i really don't consider there to be any real chance that i'd hear something back, and i'm not going back to wrestling with any real thought to 'making it' anywhere because there's really nothing to strive for as a woman in professional wrestling, but uh... yeah, you tell yourself that you don't really care to spend the next several years selling KellyKelly's backspring elbow like death until you're signed up to a clinic with a WWE talent scout.  then you're left sputtering which way did'ee go, George? uhdurrrr?

*deep breath*

this is the first day of the rest of my life, kid.  make it count.

[Jackson]

Seize every opportunity and choke the life out of it. You're much too young to live with what-if's and you never know what doors this may open for you.

I'm cheering for you. Listen, you can hear me if you put your ear up to your computer speakers.

[Sinnybuns/Mika]

Seize every opportunity and choke the life out of it. You're much too young to live with what-if's and you never know what doors this may open for you.

I'm cheering for you. Listen, you can hear me if you put your ear up to your computer speakers.

Since it's five am and the brain has yet to kick in...I'm just gonna say ditto. 

[V]

Step 1: Take a sleep. You'll need it.
Step 2: Go find an Academy Sports. Purchase wrestling shoes, kneepads, and possibly MMA-style gloves (they're purdy), depending on how much stuff costs (kinda amazed at how cheap wrestling shoes are).
Step 3: Pack bag, make sure everything that's needed is possessed.
Step 4: Take care of e-wrestling stuff so it's not sitting around molding while you're gone. (and juggling the real-fake wrestling and the e-fake wrestling NEVER ceases to be kinda lol)
Step 5: Work.
Step 6: Sleep again if there's time.
Step 7: ? ? ?
Step 8: Profit!

[Blitzkrieger]

Go hardcore on some bitches!

[Archer]

Step 1: Take a sleep. You'll need it.
Step 2: Go find an Academy Sports. Purchase wrestling shoes, kneepads, and possibly MMA-style gloves (they're purdy), depending on how much stuff costs (kinda amazed at how cheap wrestling shoes are).
Step 3: Pack bag, make sure everything that's needed is possessed.
Step 4: Take care of e-wrestling stuff so it's not sitting around molding while you're gone. (and juggling the real-fake wrestling and the e-fake wrestling NEVER ceases to be kinda lol)
Step 5: Work.
Step 6: Sleep again if there's time.
Step 7: ? ? ?
Step 8: Profit!

See you are a meme using the 4chan/South Park theory. I haz faith in you muh freend. Get your sleep and go do this sheet because if you don't you are going to regret it. Deep breaths. Goozfraba. And always remember it could be worse you could be a platypus.

Seriously. Go. I got my fingers quadruple crossed.

[Kayla Knix]

Good luck!

[V]

HAY GUIZE THAT THING IS NOT THIS WEEKEND IT'S NEXT WEEKEND.

this elicits a combo of 'awwww' and 'whew' from me.

[Jackson]

More time to worry about it. Oh noes~!

[V]

yeah.  more time to spaz.  but 50% less scrambling and a lot higher chance that i might be prepared.  i think i was spazzing more because it was so close so fast.   

also, my mom's bathroom scale is way off.  i did NOT gain an extra 7-10 pounds.  that's relieving when you're about to go in front of eyes that told Lizzy Valentine that she needed to tone her midsection and thought Mickie James and Shelly Martinez were too fat.

i don't want xylophone ribs, thanks.  but i also know i have no real idea what i look like.  people make comments that i'm way more in shape than i was five years ago, and i look the same to me.  i feel the difference, but... and, when i got down to near 110 when my stomach was broken, my appearance was freaking people out, again, without me seeing it (though i was pounding Ensure like it was beer because i knew the number itself wasn't good)-- but that was 110 on my mom's apparently incorrect scale, so uh... god knows what i actually was.

oh, WWE.  this is me expressing mild irritation that my weight would probably matter more than my ability to you.  i would express more than mild irritation, but i've had years to accept that that's just how retarded you are.